about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
