I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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