Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
