we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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