i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
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I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
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Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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