Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize