Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.