she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
