I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
