i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
