I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
