how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
