I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
