I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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