dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Randomize
