you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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