careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
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nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
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As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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