I puked a lego.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
