I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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