We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
