maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
