My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
