history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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