Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
