god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
