Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
