You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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