I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
