New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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