We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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