God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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