I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
