Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
