I wish I could teleport
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
