im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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