I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i barfeds in our rink
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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