I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
