Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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