All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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