I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
