I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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