So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Randomize
