Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Dating After Heartbreak
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet