I'm so fucking centered right now
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?