We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived