I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.