Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
