when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
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She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
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I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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