Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
whose parrot is this?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
