before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
