I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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