Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
