If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
