just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
