oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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