3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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