Can i not drive my cunt home
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
