I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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