dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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