I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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